Hiding Behind a Mask

Recently I have noticed just how much people hide behind masks. No one is willing to be vulnerable or open any more. I have decided to start this blog as a way to strip my own mask off. A way for other mom's to safely talk about their struggles and find the support they need to get through them.

A few months ago I was at a marriage seminar with my husband. It was at this seminar that I saw how healing it can be for someone to be transparent. The couple teaching the seminar have grown kids and have been married for years. The wife decided at the last minute to share her testimony and a struggle she fought with abuse in her own life. As she spoke of the abusive home she was raised in and how it began to effect her own parenting I couldn't help but cry. I so desperately needed to hear someone being honest about how hard being a parent can be and the battles we just don't see coming. Her transparency showed me it was time for me to start being more open and honest about my own struggles.

Throughout the time I have had three children, I have struggled with postpartum depression. After each of my children were born I faced 18 months of some of the darkest days of my life. The depression, frustration, anger, impatience and emotions I just couldn't control began to take over my home. It was really confusing the first two times I went through it and brought a lot of guilt and shame and fear into my heart. Who was this awful person I had become? But then when I was pregnant with my last child the emotional roller coaster was so obvious that I finally realized it was hormones and not just me.

Hearing the testimony at the marriage seminar about abuse also opened my eyes to the cancer abuse is in a persons life. Being raised in an abusive home isn't something you choose. You don't get to pick your parents or divorce or alcoholism or abuse. Those things are given to you by others and you have no control over them. The wonderful baton of abuse is passed to you w/o any choice of your own. Seeing that helped me to look more objectively at my anger and impatience and battle with my own words and thoughts.

I have come a long way in the last few years of parenting. I am learning to lay my anger down. To take deep breaths and walk away more often. To close my eyes and tell myself that I love my daughter and she doesn't deserve the words on the tip of my tongue and then to swallow them. And I am also learning to humble myself and apologize to my children when I do mess up and lose my temper with them. I want them to know that it isn't ok and that I am so very sorry when I fail them.

None of this has been easy, and none of it has been in my own strength. I have spent countless hours crying out to God to set me free. To help me fight this cancer of abuse that was passed on to me. To help me stand up against it and say "no more". My children are worth the battle I have to fight. The most amazing thing has happened in the midst of my battle with abuse and depression that I have faced. I have been given a knowledge of the depth of Love God has toward me.

On my darkest days God has shined a love into my heart that has blown me away. There was one weekend in particular when my depression got really bad, I was so overwhelmed and oppressed. My heart just kept crying out to God "how much longer?" I was so tired of the heaviness and the dark cloud that seemed to take over my heart. I was feeling so guilty for the impatience and anger was I dishing out to everyone. My poor husband has had to learn his own lessons in patience and compassion over the years! By the time Sunday rolled around I felt like giving up. Just digging a whole, climbing in and staying there forever.
We pulled up to church and all I kept thinking was "how in the world am I going to muster up a smile and friendly greeting for everyone today?" I guess I have done my own share of hiding behind the smiles in the last few years. Just once I would love to go up to someone and ask how they are doing and hear them say "you know what? I am having the worst day of my life, can you pray for me?" How refreshing would that be?

Our church always has a time of worship after the pastor preaches. It usually lasts 20-30 minutes and I find that that is when God speaks to my heart the most. On this particular day I shut my eyes and just started to sing my heart out. I wanted to give Jesus all the hurt, discouragement, anger, frustration and fear. The song "Amazed" by the Desperation Band started up.

The words are:
You dance over me, when I am unaware
You sing all around, though I cannot hear a sound
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
How deep, how wide, how great, is your love for me.

Such a simple song, but in that moment so very profound for me. Time stopped, I fell silent and just listened. I remembered a sermon I once heard about how God literally dances and sings over us (I think the verse is in Zeph). In that moment I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. Here I was at my lowest point, I was disgusted with my own heart and failings, frustrated with my battle with postpartum depression, and feeling so very unloved and unworthy. In that moment I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus loved me with an undying love, an everylasting love, a love with no beginning and no end. A love I couldn't earn and didn't deserve. And yet, a love that consumed me.

I have always known that you can't earn God's love. But it has been in the last year or so that I have found God truly revealing to me that he loves me despite me. I don't just know it now, I have been consumed by it. It has become a firm foundation on which I am now standing. The most amazing thing for me, is that I have only just begun to see His love. Like a tiny drop in an ocean. His love is too vast to fully understand until I stand face to face with Jesus and can know it for eternity.

I wanted to be honest about my struggles. That I am anything but the "perfect mom", but I serve a perfect God who loves me with an everlasting love.I hope someone is encouraged by my honesty today. Isn't it time we stop being afraid of what people will think of our weaknesses and just be honest with each other about how frail we all are? I hope you will take the chance to encourage someone with your own story today.

I would love it if you took a minute to post a comment about your struggles or how you have learned of God's love in a deeper way. Maybe you need prayer today and just want to know you aren't alone. If you don't hear it from anyone else today, know that you aren't alone. Jesus loves you with an all consuming love. God can be your strength and help in your time of need.
God bless you today!
Oh and you can listen to the song Amazed by clicking the link above. Take a minute to listen to it and realize the love God has for you today!