Hope

This morning I was reading in Hebrews 8-13. I usually avoid Hebrews because it is so confusing to me. But this morning these chapters were so encouraging for me. I just wanted to write down my thoughts for anyone who is in a trial right now and needs their faith strengthened.

In Hebrews there is a lengthy despcription of the old covenant under the law and a comparison to Jesus. You can get lost in all the refrences to the Old Testiment laws and rituals. But what struck me was just how futile it all was. The tabernacle was set up just so with all these instraments and sacrifices and offerings. Over and over the blood was shed, the offerings burnt, the blood was sprinkled, the prayers were made. And yet only once a year was one man (the high priest) allowed in the holy of holies, and he held his breath hoping he would live through the experience. There was such fear, so many things that had to be done right, so much depended on keeping the law.

Ever felt like that in your walk with God? That if you could just get it right. If you could just read enough of your bible, pray the right prayers, do the right things, then, maybe just maybe, you would feel the guilt of your sins lift. We don't like to admit that we live like this. I will admit that I tend to fall into the trap. Going to Bible School helped show me my walk of works and legalism, but it didn't irradicate the mindset completely! I still fall into the cycle of works at times.

Hebrews continues with a description of the perfect priest deciding he had had enough of a covenant that just wasn't working and decided to make a better covenant. (the failure of the first covenant was our fault entirely). So instead of offering sacrifices continually he just decided to give himself as the sacrifice to end all sacrifices. And the most beautiful part of it all? He didn't make that sacrifice so we could enter the holy of holies in a physical tabernacle. He made the sacrifice so we could go straight to the very throne of God. Heb 10:22 "let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, an dour bodies washed with pure water" Heb 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Here is the part that encouraged me today. In Heb 11 you have the faith chapter. A lengthy despcription starting in Gen 1:1 with the creation, and listing all these people in the old testiment who lived by faith hoping in a promise they couldn't see. Men and women who knew God was there and wanted to serve him, but were bound by the old covenant and the futile sacrifices that kept them at arms length from God. Yet they had such faith! They trusted, they believed, they followed, they even died for a God they could bearly know.

Hebrews continues in ch12 by encouraging us. We are surrounded by this cloud of witnesses who had so much faith, and yet never knew Jesus. A list of people too long to name who all stood in faith that God would make a way. If we have their example of faith, then where is our faith? We have the ultimate sacrifice, Jesus. He died to make a way into the very presence of a living God, not just into a small room with in the tabernacle that help the ark. He died and then rose and was seated on the throne so that he could fill us with his very spirit. God can now draw near to us and fill us and speak to us and lead us because of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. 12:1 "wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily besets us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us"

That hit me right in the heart. God has made a way for us to stand in faith that actually gets us to the very throne of God. He gave us a sacrifice once and for all not just to cleanse us from sin, but to open a door to His very heart. He is sitting there just waiting for us to run into his arms of love. In fact he is the very one who draws us to the place of seeking him in the first place.
I know what it is like to feel like your prayers hit the ceiling and fall flat at your feet. I know what it is like to be overwhelmed with depression and have no desire to reach beyond the dark cloud that sufficates you. I know what it is like to feel so much guilt and shame that you don't think God could ever possibly love you. I know what it is like to just want to give up.
But Hebrews continues in 12:12 "wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed"

I want to strengthen any who are weary today. God's love is everlasting. His desire is toward you. He longs to embrace you with forgiveness and grace and strength in your weakness. He wants to consume you with himself.

I am coming out of years of a dark battle that I felt would never end. In that battle I found God's love so pure and consuming that if it were not for his grace I would have been consumed. His mercies were new for me every morning and he was so very faithful (Lam 3). I hope you can find a sanctuary in your time of need today!

Let me know if you need any prayers!

Hiding Behind a Mask

Recently I have noticed just how much people hide behind masks. No one is willing to be vulnerable or open any more. I have decided to start this blog as a way to strip my own mask off. A way for other mom's to safely talk about their struggles and find the support they need to get through them.

A few months ago I was at a marriage seminar with my husband. It was at this seminar that I saw how healing it can be for someone to be transparent. The couple teaching the seminar have grown kids and have been married for years. The wife decided at the last minute to share her testimony and a struggle she fought with abuse in her own life. As she spoke of the abusive home she was raised in and how it began to effect her own parenting I couldn't help but cry. I so desperately needed to hear someone being honest about how hard being a parent can be and the battles we just don't see coming. Her transparency showed me it was time for me to start being more open and honest about my own struggles.

Throughout the time I have had three children, I have struggled with postpartum depression. After each of my children were born I faced 18 months of some of the darkest days of my life. The depression, frustration, anger, impatience and emotions I just couldn't control began to take over my home. It was really confusing the first two times I went through it and brought a lot of guilt and shame and fear into my heart. Who was this awful person I had become? But then when I was pregnant with my last child the emotional roller coaster was so obvious that I finally realized it was hormones and not just me.

Hearing the testimony at the marriage seminar about abuse also opened my eyes to the cancer abuse is in a persons life. Being raised in an abusive home isn't something you choose. You don't get to pick your parents or divorce or alcoholism or abuse. Those things are given to you by others and you have no control over them. The wonderful baton of abuse is passed to you w/o any choice of your own. Seeing that helped me to look more objectively at my anger and impatience and battle with my own words and thoughts.

I have come a long way in the last few years of parenting. I am learning to lay my anger down. To take deep breaths and walk away more often. To close my eyes and tell myself that I love my daughter and she doesn't deserve the words on the tip of my tongue and then to swallow them. And I am also learning to humble myself and apologize to my children when I do mess up and lose my temper with them. I want them to know that it isn't ok and that I am so very sorry when I fail them.

None of this has been easy, and none of it has been in my own strength. I have spent countless hours crying out to God to set me free. To help me fight this cancer of abuse that was passed on to me. To help me stand up against it and say "no more". My children are worth the battle I have to fight. The most amazing thing has happened in the midst of my battle with abuse and depression that I have faced. I have been given a knowledge of the depth of Love God has toward me.

On my darkest days God has shined a love into my heart that has blown me away. There was one weekend in particular when my depression got really bad, I was so overwhelmed and oppressed. My heart just kept crying out to God "how much longer?" I was so tired of the heaviness and the dark cloud that seemed to take over my heart. I was feeling so guilty for the impatience and anger was I dishing out to everyone. My poor husband has had to learn his own lessons in patience and compassion over the years! By the time Sunday rolled around I felt like giving up. Just digging a whole, climbing in and staying there forever.
We pulled up to church and all I kept thinking was "how in the world am I going to muster up a smile and friendly greeting for everyone today?" I guess I have done my own share of hiding behind the smiles in the last few years. Just once I would love to go up to someone and ask how they are doing and hear them say "you know what? I am having the worst day of my life, can you pray for me?" How refreshing would that be?

Our church always has a time of worship after the pastor preaches. It usually lasts 20-30 minutes and I find that that is when God speaks to my heart the most. On this particular day I shut my eyes and just started to sing my heart out. I wanted to give Jesus all the hurt, discouragement, anger, frustration and fear. The song "Amazed" by the Desperation Band started up.

The words are:
You dance over me, when I am unaware
You sing all around, though I cannot hear a sound
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
How deep, how wide, how great, is your love for me.

Such a simple song, but in that moment so very profound for me. Time stopped, I fell silent and just listened. I remembered a sermon I once heard about how God literally dances and sings over us (I think the verse is in Zeph). In that moment I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. Here I was at my lowest point, I was disgusted with my own heart and failings, frustrated with my battle with postpartum depression, and feeling so very unloved and unworthy. In that moment I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus loved me with an undying love, an everylasting love, a love with no beginning and no end. A love I couldn't earn and didn't deserve. And yet, a love that consumed me.

I have always known that you can't earn God's love. But it has been in the last year or so that I have found God truly revealing to me that he loves me despite me. I don't just know it now, I have been consumed by it. It has become a firm foundation on which I am now standing. The most amazing thing for me, is that I have only just begun to see His love. Like a tiny drop in an ocean. His love is too vast to fully understand until I stand face to face with Jesus and can know it for eternity.

I wanted to be honest about my struggles. That I am anything but the "perfect mom", but I serve a perfect God who loves me with an everlasting love.I hope someone is encouraged by my honesty today. Isn't it time we stop being afraid of what people will think of our weaknesses and just be honest with each other about how frail we all are? I hope you will take the chance to encourage someone with your own story today.

I would love it if you took a minute to post a comment about your struggles or how you have learned of God's love in a deeper way. Maybe you need prayer today and just want to know you aren't alone. If you don't hear it from anyone else today, know that you aren't alone. Jesus loves you with an all consuming love. God can be your strength and help in your time of need.
God bless you today!
Oh and you can listen to the song Amazed by clicking the link above. Take a minute to listen to it and realize the love God has for you today!