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This morning I was going through some old papers I have from High School. I found all kinds of poems and songs and things I had written to express my heart. It was amazing to read things I had written as a teenager and to have all the old memories become crystal clear again. I wanted to share something I wrote entitled simply "A Prayer".
Feb 28, 1993
A Prayer
Lord-
It seems just last week I prayed You'd build a protective wall around me. A wall that would keep people far enough away that I'd never get really hurt again. Well, now You've opened my eyes and I realized I've built a wall on my own. And unfortunately, somehow, I find You got shoved just outside the wall. Without realizing it, I've built the wall around myself, all on my own. A wall of fear, uncertainty, worry, insecurity, stress and worst of all, loneliness.
I see myself peeping over the wall wondering how it could have happened so fast. When I realize its been growing steadily for sometime. I've blocked You and everyone else out for so long I didn't even notice the wall is so high I can barely look over it. How could I have let this happen? When I prayed for protection I didn't see what I should have asked for. I didn't need a wall, but Your love.
No matter what happens, a wall will only hurt me, but Your love can heal me. I don't need a stack of bricks as cold as ice around my heart to protect me, I need Your love and forgiveness to heal my pain.
Please, somehow, help me take my wall down and rebuild my self protection with Your love and assurence. Help me rely on You to fill my needs and help me deal with my problems instead of hiding behind my fortress of bitterness and anger.
My walls will only crumple in on me if someone attacks me, but if I turn to You, and rely on Your grace to protect me, a person won't be able to reach the center of who I am, the soul of myself.
I'll have my share of scrapes and bruises, but at least they'll get bandaged up by Your loving hands. Please open my eyes, ears, and heart to You.
What amazes me is that this cry for healing stayed in my heart for years. Then in 1998 God brought all that pain, all the hurt, fear and loneliness to a place of reckoning. I couldn't keep walking in my brokenness and a cry to be made whole consumed my heart. God gave me a promise that summer that he would "make me whole".
Now a decade later I am preparing to teach a bible study to women about being made whole. I know that I still have issues I struggle with, but I can see how God truly has made my heart whole in so many ways. All the bitterness, anger and hurt that used to fill my life seem like a vague memory. When I stop and search my heart of hearts I find a deep and everlasting love that has become a foundation to stand on in any storm. God truly has traded all my sorrows for joy. I have so much to be thankful for.
This New Year's Eve I don't have any thoughts of what this year might hold. I don't know what trials or joys may come my way. But I do know where I have come from. I know that God has delivered me out of some very dark pits and set my feet on the rock of His love. I know that He will never forsake me or leave me. That His heart for me is consumed with an everlasting love with no end. And because of that, I can rejoice in the upcoming year. It is in the hands of a might God who loves me eternally.
No matter what our new year might bring our way, I pray that you find your heart and life filled with unexpected blessings. That you will know God's love in a new and deeper way. God Bless You!!!!
Wednesday, December 31
Tuesday, December 16
A Sister in Need
This Christmas I have been thinking about the Christmas story in a new way. I was asked to speak at our church's Women's Ministry Christmas party last week. As I prepared to speak I kept reading through the Christmas story wondering if there was an angle in it for women. And not just the "tried and true" faithful Mary story. God began to show me something that really blessed me. I didn't end up speaking on it at the party, but want to share it with all of you who read my blog.
Believe it or not there is women's ministry in the story of Christmas. It is found in the relationship between Mary and Elisabeth. The young girl, Mary, was in a terrible crisis in her life. She was bearly a teenager and finds herself the fulfillment of the greatest prophecies of all time. She is going to bear a child out of wedlock. What to think about that! She is thrilled, but as she tells her parents and betrothed she finds herself in a battle that overwhelms her. Imagine what her parents thought? They must have been so humiliated, hurt and angry with her. I doubt they believed her story, would you? Then there is Joseph. The young, trusting fiance who has devoted his life and future to her. We all know that he was thrown for a loop! He must have said some pretty hurtful things in his own pain and confusion. So all of that leaves us with one very hurt young girl who, most likely, hadn't had to face a trial this fierce in her whole life. She is, after all, just a teenager.
Who does Mary turn to in her time of need? Her parents whom she has always been able to trust and run to with her problems? Her future husband who is suppose to love and cherish her til "death do us part"? These people have all disappointed and hurt her. Who can she possibly turn to?
This is where the story leads us to Elisabeth. A woman who has lived life. She has faced the shame of being childless. She has had to live with all the whispers of the neighbors. She has had to ignore the looks of mothers as they pass her in the street and wonder what sin Elisabeth could possibly have committed to deserve the curse of barrenness. She has had to live with the ache in her heart of unfulfilled dreams. She has had to learn how to fill her life with God and not the things of this world. She also has something in common with Mary. She too, has the promise from an angel that she will bear a special son of prophecy. She too, has had to stand in faith on God's word when all seemed impossible. She is on the other side of the trial, realizing the blessing of God's faithfulness. She is the perfect person for Mary to run to to find comfort and strength.
So Mary packs her bags and heads out on the long journey to visit Elisabeth. She is weary, tired, and in the greatest trial of her life. She arrives at Elisabeth's door and is greeted with encouragement, affirmation, and the very heart of God for her. Yes the child she bears is indeed the Messiah, the coming savior. Elisabeth's greeting so encouraged Mary that she breaks out in praises to God. In fact this is one of the only times you will see a song of praise written out in the Gospels (Zachariah says one at the birth of John as well). We don't know all of what Elisabeth said to Mary in that moment. The Gospels are very brief in her comments. But we do know that Mary begins to praise God for who he is and what he is doing through her life and her trial.
Mary spent three months living with Elisabeth. Three months being encouraged, strengthened and prayed for. Three months of listening to the wisdom of Elisabeth. Three months of being told she is indeed carrying the Messiah. What an amazing gift Elisabeth gave to Mary.
So the question I have for you is: Are you a Mary or an Elisabeth right now? Are you in a trial you feel you can't bear on your own? Are you someone who has encouragement and strength to offer other women in need? We all need each other so much. As women we especially need the strength that comes from other women. We can be such a blessing to each other if we are willing to risk a little and give from our hearts.
And so this Christmas I challenge you to see who you can reach out to. Or who you can trust with your burden. We need each other and we need to be reminded of just how awesome our God is.
If you are feeling discouraged and overwhelmed know that Jesus wasn't just a baby born in a manger, he came to be your healer, the lifter of your burdens, and the one you can trust your heart to. Even if you don't have an Elisabeth in your life right now, you have the love of Almighty God reaching out to you in the gift of his son. And he does love you, with an everlasting love.
Let me know if you need any prayer! Leave an anonymous comment or share your heart with others in a comment
And Merry Christmas!
Believe it or not there is women's ministry in the story of Christmas. It is found in the relationship between Mary and Elisabeth. The young girl, Mary, was in a terrible crisis in her life. She was bearly a teenager and finds herself the fulfillment of the greatest prophecies of all time. She is going to bear a child out of wedlock. What to think about that! She is thrilled, but as she tells her parents and betrothed she finds herself in a battle that overwhelms her. Imagine what her parents thought? They must have been so humiliated, hurt and angry with her. I doubt they believed her story, would you? Then there is Joseph. The young, trusting fiance who has devoted his life and future to her. We all know that he was thrown for a loop! He must have said some pretty hurtful things in his own pain and confusion. So all of that leaves us with one very hurt young girl who, most likely, hadn't had to face a trial this fierce in her whole life. She is, after all, just a teenager.
Who does Mary turn to in her time of need? Her parents whom she has always been able to trust and run to with her problems? Her future husband who is suppose to love and cherish her til "death do us part"? These people have all disappointed and hurt her. Who can she possibly turn to?
This is where the story leads us to Elisabeth. A woman who has lived life. She has faced the shame of being childless. She has had to live with all the whispers of the neighbors. She has had to ignore the looks of mothers as they pass her in the street and wonder what sin Elisabeth could possibly have committed to deserve the curse of barrenness. She has had to live with the ache in her heart of unfulfilled dreams. She has had to learn how to fill her life with God and not the things of this world. She also has something in common with Mary. She too, has the promise from an angel that she will bear a special son of prophecy. She too, has had to stand in faith on God's word when all seemed impossible. She is on the other side of the trial, realizing the blessing of God's faithfulness. She is the perfect person for Mary to run to to find comfort and strength.
So Mary packs her bags and heads out on the long journey to visit Elisabeth. She is weary, tired, and in the greatest trial of her life. She arrives at Elisabeth's door and is greeted with encouragement, affirmation, and the very heart of God for her. Yes the child she bears is indeed the Messiah, the coming savior. Elisabeth's greeting so encouraged Mary that she breaks out in praises to God. In fact this is one of the only times you will see a song of praise written out in the Gospels (Zachariah says one at the birth of John as well). We don't know all of what Elisabeth said to Mary in that moment. The Gospels are very brief in her comments. But we do know that Mary begins to praise God for who he is and what he is doing through her life and her trial.
Mary spent three months living with Elisabeth. Three months being encouraged, strengthened and prayed for. Three months of listening to the wisdom of Elisabeth. Three months of being told she is indeed carrying the Messiah. What an amazing gift Elisabeth gave to Mary.
So the question I have for you is: Are you a Mary or an Elisabeth right now? Are you in a trial you feel you can't bear on your own? Are you someone who has encouragement and strength to offer other women in need? We all need each other so much. As women we especially need the strength that comes from other women. We can be such a blessing to each other if we are willing to risk a little and give from our hearts.
And so this Christmas I challenge you to see who you can reach out to. Or who you can trust with your burden. We need each other and we need to be reminded of just how awesome our God is.
If you are feeling discouraged and overwhelmed know that Jesus wasn't just a baby born in a manger, he came to be your healer, the lifter of your burdens, and the one you can trust your heart to. Even if you don't have an Elisabeth in your life right now, you have the love of Almighty God reaching out to you in the gift of his son. And he does love you, with an everlasting love.
Let me know if you need any prayer! Leave an anonymous comment or share your heart with others in a comment
And Merry Christmas!
Sunday, November 2
The Still Small Voice
Tonight as I put the girls to bed I had a wonderful conversation with them about the presence of God. I just wanted to share with you the truth that struck me as so simple, and yet so profound.
Lately I have been trying to get my girls to understand that when we pray, it is like talking to Jesus. I want them to understand that we don't just pray with them as a nice bedtime routine. I have been trying to explain to Alanna what it is like to feel the presence of God in your heart. How do you describe to a 7 year old what the peace of God feels like? Or how the Holy Spirit can move on your heart? These abstract concepts are so vital for our walk with God that I tremble at the thought of somehow not teaching my children how to experience God for themselves.
As I was trying to explain to the girls the stillness that God brings to your heart when you pray, a story came to mind. The story of Elijah and the presence of God. Elijah was hiding from Jezebel when God shows up. First, there was a mighty wind that tore at the mountain, but God wasn't in the raging wind. Then there was an earthquake that shook the very ground Elijah stood on, but God wasn't in the earthquake. Next there was a fire that could consume in a minute with it's mighty heat, but God wasn't in the fire. God is almighty, all consuming, he can do anything, be anything, but he chose not reveal his presence in these powerful forces. Finally, Elijah heard a still small voice. It was when he heard the gentle voice, that Elijah stepped out from where he was hiding and spoke directly with God. He found God in the stillness, in a quiet place.
As I related this story to the girls I asked myself "why would God choose a still small voice?" He could choose to reveal himself in anything, why in a whisper? In my heart of hearts I knew why, but I had never tried to simplify it for a child to understand. So I explained it the only way I knew how.
I was telling the girls that God's voice is like a gentle whisper that calls to you. I was talking in a hushed voice for affect. I explained that God could shout if he wanted to. He could make it really easy for anyone to hear him by yelling out to us, but he chooses to whisper to our hearts. I related God's still small voice to our "secrets" game. You see, as a family, we have great fun telling each other "secrets". We will cup our hand over our mouth and tell one of the girls that we have a secret for them. Their eyes light up and they come running over to hear what the secret will be. Most of the time we just whisper "I love you". But sometime we will have a sweet message to share with them.
As I related our whisper game to God I asked them a few questions. I asked if they loved me. They said yes. I asked if they liked it when I whispered a special message just for them to hear. Again their answer was yes. Then I asked if they would hear my secret if they were busy with other things and running around playing. They said no. I asked if they liked it when I shouted or yelled at them, again the answer was no. It was at this point I explained to them that it is the same with God. He will gently tug on our hearts with a still small voice. He will call our name and see if we will stop long enough to hear his voice. And if we love him, we will want to stop everything to hear what he has to say to us, just like they do when we play our secrets game. I explained that often Jesus is just calling us to stop and listen so he can tell us just how much he loves us. It may be through a scripture, or a song, or just a gentle knowing that his love is everlasting and that it is toward us. I explained that His presence is that quiet stillness we feel when we stop and pray. It is the calm that fills our heart and soul when we lean real close to hear the quiet whisper from the heart of God.
As I type this I, myself, am convicted by how busy I get in my own life and miss that gentle calling. I am going to make an effort to stop this week and hear what Jesus is trying to whisper to me. He may just be saying he loves me, or he may have something profound to show my heart. Whatever it is, if it is from God, I don't want to miss it!
I hope you find yourself stopping to lean in and hear what the very heart of God is saying to you this week!
Lately I have been trying to get my girls to understand that when we pray, it is like talking to Jesus. I want them to understand that we don't just pray with them as a nice bedtime routine. I have been trying to explain to Alanna what it is like to feel the presence of God in your heart. How do you describe to a 7 year old what the peace of God feels like? Or how the Holy Spirit can move on your heart? These abstract concepts are so vital for our walk with God that I tremble at the thought of somehow not teaching my children how to experience God for themselves.
As I was trying to explain to the girls the stillness that God brings to your heart when you pray, a story came to mind. The story of Elijah and the presence of God. Elijah was hiding from Jezebel when God shows up. First, there was a mighty wind that tore at the mountain, but God wasn't in the raging wind. Then there was an earthquake that shook the very ground Elijah stood on, but God wasn't in the earthquake. Next there was a fire that could consume in a minute with it's mighty heat, but God wasn't in the fire. God is almighty, all consuming, he can do anything, be anything, but he chose not reveal his presence in these powerful forces. Finally, Elijah heard a still small voice. It was when he heard the gentle voice, that Elijah stepped out from where he was hiding and spoke directly with God. He found God in the stillness, in a quiet place.
As I related this story to the girls I asked myself "why would God choose a still small voice?" He could choose to reveal himself in anything, why in a whisper? In my heart of hearts I knew why, but I had never tried to simplify it for a child to understand. So I explained it the only way I knew how.
I was telling the girls that God's voice is like a gentle whisper that calls to you. I was talking in a hushed voice for affect. I explained that God could shout if he wanted to. He could make it really easy for anyone to hear him by yelling out to us, but he chooses to whisper to our hearts. I related God's still small voice to our "secrets" game. You see, as a family, we have great fun telling each other "secrets". We will cup our hand over our mouth and tell one of the girls that we have a secret for them. Their eyes light up and they come running over to hear what the secret will be. Most of the time we just whisper "I love you". But sometime we will have a sweet message to share with them.
As I related our whisper game to God I asked them a few questions. I asked if they loved me. They said yes. I asked if they liked it when I whispered a special message just for them to hear. Again their answer was yes. Then I asked if they would hear my secret if they were busy with other things and running around playing. They said no. I asked if they liked it when I shouted or yelled at them, again the answer was no. It was at this point I explained to them that it is the same with God. He will gently tug on our hearts with a still small voice. He will call our name and see if we will stop long enough to hear his voice. And if we love him, we will want to stop everything to hear what he has to say to us, just like they do when we play our secrets game. I explained that often Jesus is just calling us to stop and listen so he can tell us just how much he loves us. It may be through a scripture, or a song, or just a gentle knowing that his love is everlasting and that it is toward us. I explained that His presence is that quiet stillness we feel when we stop and pray. It is the calm that fills our heart and soul when we lean real close to hear the quiet whisper from the heart of God.
As I type this I, myself, am convicted by how busy I get in my own life and miss that gentle calling. I am going to make an effort to stop this week and hear what Jesus is trying to whisper to me. He may just be saying he loves me, or he may have something profound to show my heart. Whatever it is, if it is from God, I don't want to miss it!
I hope you find yourself stopping to lean in and hear what the very heart of God is saying to you this week!
Tuesday, September 16
Are We Desperate Enough for Him?
Well here is my second blog entry on my bible study "Being made whole". Usually when I write a blog post I am all excited and have some passion about what I am writing. Today I am more walking in faith. Which is really quite ironic... well you will see as you read why stepping out in faith is fitting for this blog entry!
I recently told a friend who just started reading my blog about what this entry was going to be about. I told her it was the one story of the 9 I am studying that I dreaded the most. It is the story of the Gentile woman who begs Jesus to heal her daughter and Jesus calls her a dog! Yikes... where do you go with that one? But really it is quite a fitting story for each and every one of us. So I hope you can relate to the story where Jesus calls a woman a dog! (Mt 15:21-31)
The story starts on the coasts of Tyre and Sidon just north of Israel. The woman who seeks Jesus out was a Canaanite woman, a gentile and a pagan. Her daughter is possessed and she is desperate for her to be healed. She has heard of Jesus and his healings. She hears that he has traveled to the boarders of her country and so she immediately sets off to find the only person who can help her, the messiah
The woman has traveled to find Jesus and as she sees him in the distance she begins to cry in a loud voice "Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! My daughter is possessed by a demon!" She recognized that she needed God's mercy in her life, she was desperate for it. She also knew Jesus was the messiah. Son of David is a title used for the messiah. But she made the claim for him to be her Lord as well. Her master. Here she is crying out with all her heart, in desperation for God's mercy, and what does Jesus do? Ignore her.
Have you ever felt like that? Like you have poured out your heart to God and yet he seems so far away? I sure have. And not just once or twice, but over and over again. Again and again in my life I have related to the prophet Jeremiah when he says "Even when I cry and shout for help, He shuts out my prayer." or "You have covered Yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can pass through" (Lam 3:8,44). It is a terrifying feeling to cry out to God in desperation and not feel his presence or hear an answer.
And how do the disciples respond to her cries for help? Do they tell Jesus "Help this poor distraught mother, she is begging you to help her" ? NO! They tell Jesus to get rid of her. She is driving them crazy with all her shouting. Sometimes the body of Christ can be like this. It can really hurt when people don't understand why we are crying out to God so desperately.
I can remember two times in my life when people came to me and asked me why I was crying out to God like I was. The first time was when I was in high school. I had a pretty rough home life and it seemed every altar call was for me. I was so hungry for Jesus and in such desperate need of his mercy in my life. I remember a friend telling me that he and his mother were wondering why in the world I kept going up to all the altar calls. It was like a slap in my face. You can imagine I held back going to the altar for the rest of the time I attended that church. Another time I was in a season of deep healing with God. He was teaching me to forgive those who had abused me over the years. I spent more days than not with tears in my eyes. I had a respected leader in my life ask me why I was always crying. Again it was slap in my face! God was doing so much in my heart I couldn't help but cry all the time! To this day I have a hard time going up to for an altar call or asking for prayer because of these incidents. I pray I never discourage someone desperate for Jesus to cry out to Him!
So I ask, could this story get worse? Here she is crying out to Jesus, He is ignoring her and the disciples are trying to get rid of her. What more could go wrong to discourage her? The woman sees that she isn't getting any results from crying out, so she decides to draw near to him. Jesus' silence has provoked her to seek him. To draw closer to Him.
The gentile woman finally reaches Jesus and she kneels down at his feet, worships him and pleads with Jesus "Lord help me". You would think Jesus would gently put a hand on her head, tell her to rise up, her daughter is healed. Isn't that the Jesus we know? The ever patient and loving God who never turns a hurt soul away? But what does he say to her? "it is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs" (15:26). OK, I don't know about you, but if I was that lady, I would have turn around and run home with tears streaming down my face! Jesus just called her a dog! That was a derogatory term used to describe a gentile pagans in those days. Perhaps you could think of a few derogatory names people use to describe others that aren't like them. It was not a compliment in the least.
But what does the woman do? She acknowledges that she is a dog. She knows she is nothing in and of herself. She knows that she is not worthy of Jesus. She knows that she is relying solely on his mercy. She believes that even just a "crumb" from God will solve her problems (15:27)
Are we in a place where we know we are nothing? I seem to go through phases in my walk. It seems that there are layers of knowing my own worthless heart is hopeless w/o His mercy. I suppose if I saw all the areas of my heart at once I would be undone. The question isn't whether our heart is unworthy, the question is what we do when we realize we are unworthy. Do we prostrate ourselves before Jesus in worship and tell him that all we ask for is his mercy as this woman did? Or do we turn and run and feel sorry for ourselves?
Jesus was not trying to be mean to this woman. He was just doing what God does best, drawing her to an intimate place of worship with Him. Sometimes God has to seem silent or uncaring to us so that we will press in to seek him more. Sometimes he makes it seem like our prayers are hitting the ceiling and bouncing back to us, so that we will run to him and cry out all the more.
Finally Jesus turns to the woman and tells her that incredible faith in him and he makes her daughter whole. He wasn't ignoring her, he wasn't putting her down, he was reaching into her heart to find her faith. And he was not disappointed.
Earlier I said that I could relate to Jeremiah in Lam 3. I could understand his despair. But in the middle of that chapter there is an amazing picture of hope and grace. Lam 3:18-26 says:
My strength and my hope is perished from the LORD:
Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
I know I refer to that scripture a lot, but God has written it so deep with in my heart that I can't ever seem to get away from it. When everything seems dark and despair crushes in. When God seems so far away I wonder if I will ever feel or hear from Him again. When the night feels like it will never give way to the morning. Or when my tears feel like they will never return to joy. Well, that is when I remind myself, His mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness.
If you feel like the gentile woman today. If you feel like God isn't listening, or that everyone is looking at you wondering why in the world you are crying out to God. If you have found that your heart is more wretched than you dreamed it could be and you feel like you should give up. Take hope. He is silent so you will seek him. He allows the trial to draw you in to a deeper place in him. He has a revelation for you in this time. He desires to make you whole.
May you be blessed with a touch of mercy today.
I recently told a friend who just started reading my blog about what this entry was going to be about. I told her it was the one story of the 9 I am studying that I dreaded the most. It is the story of the Gentile woman who begs Jesus to heal her daughter and Jesus calls her a dog! Yikes... where do you go with that one? But really it is quite a fitting story for each and every one of us. So I hope you can relate to the story where Jesus calls a woman a dog! (Mt 15:21-31)
The story starts on the coasts of Tyre and Sidon just north of Israel. The woman who seeks Jesus out was a Canaanite woman, a gentile and a pagan. Her daughter is possessed and she is desperate for her to be healed. She has heard of Jesus and his healings. She hears that he has traveled to the boarders of her country and so she immediately sets off to find the only person who can help her, the messiah
The woman has traveled to find Jesus and as she sees him in the distance she begins to cry in a loud voice "Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! My daughter is possessed by a demon!" She recognized that she needed God's mercy in her life, she was desperate for it. She also knew Jesus was the messiah. Son of David is a title used for the messiah. But she made the claim for him to be her Lord as well. Her master. Here she is crying out with all her heart, in desperation for God's mercy, and what does Jesus do? Ignore her.
Have you ever felt like that? Like you have poured out your heart to God and yet he seems so far away? I sure have. And not just once or twice, but over and over again. Again and again in my life I have related to the prophet Jeremiah when he says "Even when I cry and shout for help, He shuts out my prayer." or "You have covered Yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can pass through" (Lam 3:8,44). It is a terrifying feeling to cry out to God in desperation and not feel his presence or hear an answer.
And how do the disciples respond to her cries for help? Do they tell Jesus "Help this poor distraught mother, she is begging you to help her" ? NO! They tell Jesus to get rid of her. She is driving them crazy with all her shouting. Sometimes the body of Christ can be like this. It can really hurt when people don't understand why we are crying out to God so desperately.
I can remember two times in my life when people came to me and asked me why I was crying out to God like I was. The first time was when I was in high school. I had a pretty rough home life and it seemed every altar call was for me. I was so hungry for Jesus and in such desperate need of his mercy in my life. I remember a friend telling me that he and his mother were wondering why in the world I kept going up to all the altar calls. It was like a slap in my face. You can imagine I held back going to the altar for the rest of the time I attended that church. Another time I was in a season of deep healing with God. He was teaching me to forgive those who had abused me over the years. I spent more days than not with tears in my eyes. I had a respected leader in my life ask me why I was always crying. Again it was slap in my face! God was doing so much in my heart I couldn't help but cry all the time! To this day I have a hard time going up to for an altar call or asking for prayer because of these incidents. I pray I never discourage someone desperate for Jesus to cry out to Him!
So I ask, could this story get worse? Here she is crying out to Jesus, He is ignoring her and the disciples are trying to get rid of her. What more could go wrong to discourage her? The woman sees that she isn't getting any results from crying out, so she decides to draw near to him. Jesus' silence has provoked her to seek him. To draw closer to Him.
The gentile woman finally reaches Jesus and she kneels down at his feet, worships him and pleads with Jesus "Lord help me". You would think Jesus would gently put a hand on her head, tell her to rise up, her daughter is healed. Isn't that the Jesus we know? The ever patient and loving God who never turns a hurt soul away? But what does he say to her? "it is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs" (15:26). OK, I don't know about you, but if I was that lady, I would have turn around and run home with tears streaming down my face! Jesus just called her a dog! That was a derogatory term used to describe a gentile pagans in those days. Perhaps you could think of a few derogatory names people use to describe others that aren't like them. It was not a compliment in the least.
But what does the woman do? She acknowledges that she is a dog. She knows she is nothing in and of herself. She knows that she is not worthy of Jesus. She knows that she is relying solely on his mercy. She believes that even just a "crumb" from God will solve her problems (15:27)
Are we in a place where we know we are nothing? I seem to go through phases in my walk. It seems that there are layers of knowing my own worthless heart is hopeless w/o His mercy. I suppose if I saw all the areas of my heart at once I would be undone. The question isn't whether our heart is unworthy, the question is what we do when we realize we are unworthy. Do we prostrate ourselves before Jesus in worship and tell him that all we ask for is his mercy as this woman did? Or do we turn and run and feel sorry for ourselves?
Jesus was not trying to be mean to this woman. He was just doing what God does best, drawing her to an intimate place of worship with Him. Sometimes God has to seem silent or uncaring to us so that we will press in to seek him more. Sometimes he makes it seem like our prayers are hitting the ceiling and bouncing back to us, so that we will run to him and cry out all the more.
Finally Jesus turns to the woman and tells her that incredible faith in him and he makes her daughter whole. He wasn't ignoring her, he wasn't putting her down, he was reaching into her heart to find her faith. And he was not disappointed.
Earlier I said that I could relate to Jeremiah in Lam 3. I could understand his despair. But in the middle of that chapter there is an amazing picture of hope and grace. Lam 3:18-26 says:
My strength and my hope is perished from the LORD:
Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
I know I refer to that scripture a lot, but God has written it so deep with in my heart that I can't ever seem to get away from it. When everything seems dark and despair crushes in. When God seems so far away I wonder if I will ever feel or hear from Him again. When the night feels like it will never give way to the morning. Or when my tears feel like they will never return to joy. Well, that is when I remind myself, His mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness.
If you feel like the gentile woman today. If you feel like God isn't listening, or that everyone is looking at you wondering why in the world you are crying out to God. If you have found that your heart is more wretched than you dreamed it could be and you feel like you should give up. Take hope. He is silent so you will seek him. He allows the trial to draw you in to a deeper place in him. He has a revelation for you in this time. He desires to make you whole.
May you be blessed with a touch of mercy today.
Monday, September 1
True Rest
I am finally getting a chance to write my first post on being "made whole". I want to start this post by being honest. The last few weeks have been really hard for me. I feel like I have been through the ringer emotionally and spiritually. I know that it is God's mercy digging into my heart and changing me to be more like him. There have been moments that I wished it could be done with a little more ease!
What I want to share with you is out of Mt 12, Mk 6 and Lu 6. It is the story of the man with the withered hand. The story starts well before Jesus arrives at the synagogue and meets the man. It starts on the road as Jesus and the disciples walk to town.
Imagine Jesus and his closest friends walking to service that morning. It is the sabbath and they haven't had anything to eat. Instead of providing his followers with a miraculous meal of loaves and fishes, he and his disciples just pick some corn from a field. The Pharisees must have been walking down the same road to the synagogue that morning, because they see Jesus and his disciples breaking their rules on what can be done on the sabbath. I say "their rules" because it wasn't scripture that forbade the harvesting of a meal on the sabbath, but the laws that had been added to scripture.
The Pharisees stop and rebuke Jesus for what He has done. You almost have to wonder what Jesus was thinking at this point. He defends his actions by quoting scriptures that refer to King David and the Priesthood breaking the laws as well. Then He says He is the Son of Man and the Lord of the Sabbath. Basically He tells the Pharisees that He is the messiah and has more of a right to break their laws than David or the Priests did. After all He is the Lord of the Sabbath. You have to realize this didn't go over well with the Pharisees
This is where we get to the story of the man with the withered hand. Imagine the Pharisees return to the synagogue fuming mad. How dare Jesus rebuke them like that and make those claims! So they decide to set him up. If he is who he says he is, then let him prove it. They decide to trap him and accuse him of breaking the sabbath in front of everyone by putting the one thing before Jesus they know he won't pass by. A crippled man.
I have no idea how they persuaded the man to go along with their plan. Maybe they just ordered him to go inside. Cripples weren't allowed in places of worship. Maybe they bribed him or threatened him. In the end it doesn't really matter. Here was this man with a withered hand standing in the midst of the crowd when Jesus and his disciples arrive. Lu 6:6 says it was the man's right hand that was crippled. In Jewish teachings the right hand was the hand of strength and blessing. Scripture often refers to God's right hand. It was a symbol of strength. So here is this man whose very ability to work and function as a normal person was withered up. His strength was withered and gone.
I wonder how this man felt? He must have known he was being used to set Jesus up. Was he afraid Jesus would just walk by and ignore him? Maybe he was even more afraid Jesus would stop and notice him.
Have you ever felt like an area of you life was just withered and dried up? Like your strength was just gone? Have you ever been so ashamed of your lack of strength that you just wanted to hide your weakness from everyone, even Jesus? Can you relate to this man? I know I can! I have been relating to him every day for the last few weeks!
So how did Jesus respond to this situation? He knows the Pharisees want to entrap Him and He sees their hard hearts. Mk 3:5 even says He was angry with them. Jesus chose to completely ignore the Pharisees. He was more concerned about the man with the withered hand.
Jesus asked the man to do something amazing here. In Lu 6:8 it says that he turned to the man and told him to rise up, step forward, and stand in the midst of the crowd. I am sure this is the last thing the man wanted to do! But he listened to Jesus and stepped out.
Then Jesus does something even more amazing. He speaks to the Pharisees. In Mt 12:11 it says Jesus asks the Pharisees if it would be lawful to find a lost sheep on the sabbath. The answer is, or course, yes. I imagine this crippled man is feeling very much like a lost sheep. He is exposed and on display for all the world to see. He must have felt not only like a lost sheep, but like a lost sheep surrounded by wolves waiting to devour him! But Jesus doesn't ask him to stand there alone, he is at his side, standing with him. Jesus is being the shepherd to this man and protecting him from the wolves in his greatest moment of weakness.
Jesus continues by asking if it is better to do good on the sabbath, or evil, to give life or destroy it. He exposes the very heart of the Pharisees. Here are the Pharisees in all their self righteousness and pride, devouring this poor innocent man for their own plans of evil and Jesus calls them on it! He doesn't expose the heart of the crippled man, though I am sure he had areas of sin that needed to be dealt with. Rather he exposed the wolves for who they were and protected the sheep when he was weakest.
Praise God Jesus does that for us. When he shows us our weakness he also stands by our side protecting us from the accusers and the wolves in our own lives. Sometimes our own guilt and shame can devour us more than anyone else ever could. But Jesus never leaves our side. He is the good shepherd and will protect us as if we were a lost sheep.
The man now knows that Jesus is standing by him as he is made vulnerable before the crowd. He understands that he is like the lost sheep and Jesus is that great shepherd protecting and saving him. So it is no wonder when Jesus asks him to do one last thing, he doesn't hesitate. And yet this is the hardest thing of all. Jesus asks the man to stretch forth his hand. To display for all to see the depths of his weakness. To be vulnerable and exposed. To bear his very heart before Jesus. But as he trusts Jesus and stretches out his greatest weakness to him, Jesus makes him whole.
The story in Matt concludes with a prophecy about Jesus "...a bruised reed shall he not break, and a smoking flax shall he not quench..." I have always loved this verse. Have you ever found a flower or plant that has been stepped on? Or maybe someone bent the stem of a flower just enough that you can see the bruises on it. It isn't quite broken, but it isn't strong any longer either. Or have you ever seen a candle with a wick just about to burn out? Maybe there is barley a glow left on the wick and it is just smoking, no longer producing light. That is what this verse is talking about. When we are at our end. When our strength is gone. When we feel stepped on and like our light is just about burnt out. Jesus never breaks the bruised reed and he would never put out the smoking flax. He desires to heal and restore and to strengthen.
Earlier in the story Jesus told the Pharisees he was Lord of the Sabbath. If you read back just a few verses further you find in Mt 11:28-30 Jesus says "Come to me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Jesus' heart is to give rest to the weary and strength to the weak.
As I thought about this I remembered Hebrews 4. It is the chapter about the ultimate Sabbath we find in Jesus, the rest for the people of God. Heb 4:9 says "there remains a rest to the people of God".
Verse 11 continues that we must labor to enter into that rest. Labor to rest? That doesn't sound right? But as I thought about this and related it to the story I began to see a beautiful truth. One God has been trying to pound into my thick head for years. If you labor in good works and are always trying to be better and make you self into a perfect person, you will burn yourself out. There is no rest in a life of striving. That is living under the law and will burden you and bind you up. But I began to think about faith and trust in Jesus. Those words sound so easy. But are they? I find the deeper I look into my heart the harder it can be to trust and have faith. I find that being vulnerable before him, trusting him and having faith require quite a bit of effort on my part. You could say I labor in faith and trust in him. But when I do.... oh the sweet rest that comes over my soul. The peace that fills me. The storm could be raging all around me and it doesn't matter. If I am looking to Jesus and trusting him, there is rest and peace. But you have to labor to keep that trust and faith in him. Life will do its best to shake it!
Hebrews continues in vs 12&13 to talk about how the word is sharper than any two edged sword and discerns the very thoughts and intents of our hearts. That all things are naked and opened to God. This is shown so clearly in this story. Jesus spoke and the very hearts of the Pharisees were exposed. He also exposed the very weakness of the crippled man. With one word God will expose our own hearts. He will show us things we wish weren't there. But as in the story, Jesus never exposes weakness just to expose it. His desire is to heal it. To make us whole.
In the end all our faith, our labor to trust him, our weakness being exposed, are for one purpose. That we might "come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need" (Heb 4:16)
These last few weeks have been a time of great weakness in my life. There have been days when the battle in my heart was so strong that I didn't know how I was going to find the strength to finish the day. But I spent every ounce of strength I did have, in a labor of faith and trust in Jesus. No matter how weak I got in my battle, I found a rock solid peace in my heart of hearts. And through that peace came a rest and even more faith.
Like the crippled man, when we have lost all strength, we must trust God. When his word exposes our weaknesses, we must have faith to step out and make ourselves vulnerable before him. To allow his word to make us "naked and open" before him. It can be a scary feeling. It can hurt tremendously. It becomes a labor of faith and trust. But there is a promise that we will find rest and even more amazing, that we can come before him boldly! Even in our weakness we can come to him and boldly ask for grace and mercy in our time of need!
And so, by faith, I step out like the cripple man and stretch my greatest weaknesses toward God. I choose to trust him in this storm and know that he will stand by my side protecting me and in the end, healing me. It will all be worth it to be made whole.
Please don't hesitate to let me know if you need prayer!
What I want to share with you is out of Mt 12, Mk 6 and Lu 6. It is the story of the man with the withered hand. The story starts well before Jesus arrives at the synagogue and meets the man. It starts on the road as Jesus and the disciples walk to town.
Imagine Jesus and his closest friends walking to service that morning. It is the sabbath and they haven't had anything to eat. Instead of providing his followers with a miraculous meal of loaves and fishes, he and his disciples just pick some corn from a field. The Pharisees must have been walking down the same road to the synagogue that morning, because they see Jesus and his disciples breaking their rules on what can be done on the sabbath. I say "their rules" because it wasn't scripture that forbade the harvesting of a meal on the sabbath, but the laws that had been added to scripture.
The Pharisees stop and rebuke Jesus for what He has done. You almost have to wonder what Jesus was thinking at this point. He defends his actions by quoting scriptures that refer to King David and the Priesthood breaking the laws as well. Then He says He is the Son of Man and the Lord of the Sabbath. Basically He tells the Pharisees that He is the messiah and has more of a right to break their laws than David or the Priests did. After all He is the Lord of the Sabbath. You have to realize this didn't go over well with the Pharisees
This is where we get to the story of the man with the withered hand. Imagine the Pharisees return to the synagogue fuming mad. How dare Jesus rebuke them like that and make those claims! So they decide to set him up. If he is who he says he is, then let him prove it. They decide to trap him and accuse him of breaking the sabbath in front of everyone by putting the one thing before Jesus they know he won't pass by. A crippled man.
I have no idea how they persuaded the man to go along with their plan. Maybe they just ordered him to go inside. Cripples weren't allowed in places of worship. Maybe they bribed him or threatened him. In the end it doesn't really matter. Here was this man with a withered hand standing in the midst of the crowd when Jesus and his disciples arrive. Lu 6:6 says it was the man's right hand that was crippled. In Jewish teachings the right hand was the hand of strength and blessing. Scripture often refers to God's right hand. It was a symbol of strength. So here is this man whose very ability to work and function as a normal person was withered up. His strength was withered and gone.
I wonder how this man felt? He must have known he was being used to set Jesus up. Was he afraid Jesus would just walk by and ignore him? Maybe he was even more afraid Jesus would stop and notice him.
Have you ever felt like an area of you life was just withered and dried up? Like your strength was just gone? Have you ever been so ashamed of your lack of strength that you just wanted to hide your weakness from everyone, even Jesus? Can you relate to this man? I know I can! I have been relating to him every day for the last few weeks!
So how did Jesus respond to this situation? He knows the Pharisees want to entrap Him and He sees their hard hearts. Mk 3:5 even says He was angry with them. Jesus chose to completely ignore the Pharisees. He was more concerned about the man with the withered hand.
Jesus asked the man to do something amazing here. In Lu 6:8 it says that he turned to the man and told him to rise up, step forward, and stand in the midst of the crowd. I am sure this is the last thing the man wanted to do! But he listened to Jesus and stepped out.
Then Jesus does something even more amazing. He speaks to the Pharisees. In Mt 12:11 it says Jesus asks the Pharisees if it would be lawful to find a lost sheep on the sabbath. The answer is, or course, yes. I imagine this crippled man is feeling very much like a lost sheep. He is exposed and on display for all the world to see. He must have felt not only like a lost sheep, but like a lost sheep surrounded by wolves waiting to devour him! But Jesus doesn't ask him to stand there alone, he is at his side, standing with him. Jesus is being the shepherd to this man and protecting him from the wolves in his greatest moment of weakness.
Jesus continues by asking if it is better to do good on the sabbath, or evil, to give life or destroy it. He exposes the very heart of the Pharisees. Here are the Pharisees in all their self righteousness and pride, devouring this poor innocent man for their own plans of evil and Jesus calls them on it! He doesn't expose the heart of the crippled man, though I am sure he had areas of sin that needed to be dealt with. Rather he exposed the wolves for who they were and protected the sheep when he was weakest.
Praise God Jesus does that for us. When he shows us our weakness he also stands by our side protecting us from the accusers and the wolves in our own lives. Sometimes our own guilt and shame can devour us more than anyone else ever could. But Jesus never leaves our side. He is the good shepherd and will protect us as if we were a lost sheep.
The man now knows that Jesus is standing by him as he is made vulnerable before the crowd. He understands that he is like the lost sheep and Jesus is that great shepherd protecting and saving him. So it is no wonder when Jesus asks him to do one last thing, he doesn't hesitate. And yet this is the hardest thing of all. Jesus asks the man to stretch forth his hand. To display for all to see the depths of his weakness. To be vulnerable and exposed. To bear his very heart before Jesus. But as he trusts Jesus and stretches out his greatest weakness to him, Jesus makes him whole.
The story in Matt concludes with a prophecy about Jesus "...a bruised reed shall he not break, and a smoking flax shall he not quench..." I have always loved this verse. Have you ever found a flower or plant that has been stepped on? Or maybe someone bent the stem of a flower just enough that you can see the bruises on it. It isn't quite broken, but it isn't strong any longer either. Or have you ever seen a candle with a wick just about to burn out? Maybe there is barley a glow left on the wick and it is just smoking, no longer producing light. That is what this verse is talking about. When we are at our end. When our strength is gone. When we feel stepped on and like our light is just about burnt out. Jesus never breaks the bruised reed and he would never put out the smoking flax. He desires to heal and restore and to strengthen.
Earlier in the story Jesus told the Pharisees he was Lord of the Sabbath. If you read back just a few verses further you find in Mt 11:28-30 Jesus says "Come to me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Jesus' heart is to give rest to the weary and strength to the weak.
As I thought about this I remembered Hebrews 4. It is the chapter about the ultimate Sabbath we find in Jesus, the rest for the people of God. Heb 4:9 says "there remains a rest to the people of God".
Verse 11 continues that we must labor to enter into that rest. Labor to rest? That doesn't sound right? But as I thought about this and related it to the story I began to see a beautiful truth. One God has been trying to pound into my thick head for years. If you labor in good works and are always trying to be better and make you self into a perfect person, you will burn yourself out. There is no rest in a life of striving. That is living under the law and will burden you and bind you up. But I began to think about faith and trust in Jesus. Those words sound so easy. But are they? I find the deeper I look into my heart the harder it can be to trust and have faith. I find that being vulnerable before him, trusting him and having faith require quite a bit of effort on my part. You could say I labor in faith and trust in him. But when I do.... oh the sweet rest that comes over my soul. The peace that fills me. The storm could be raging all around me and it doesn't matter. If I am looking to Jesus and trusting him, there is rest and peace. But you have to labor to keep that trust and faith in him. Life will do its best to shake it!
Hebrews continues in vs 12&13 to talk about how the word is sharper than any two edged sword and discerns the very thoughts and intents of our hearts. That all things are naked and opened to God. This is shown so clearly in this story. Jesus spoke and the very hearts of the Pharisees were exposed. He also exposed the very weakness of the crippled man. With one word God will expose our own hearts. He will show us things we wish weren't there. But as in the story, Jesus never exposes weakness just to expose it. His desire is to heal it. To make us whole.
In the end all our faith, our labor to trust him, our weakness being exposed, are for one purpose. That we might "come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need" (Heb 4:16)
These last few weeks have been a time of great weakness in my life. There have been days when the battle in my heart was so strong that I didn't know how I was going to find the strength to finish the day. But I spent every ounce of strength I did have, in a labor of faith and trust in Jesus. No matter how weak I got in my battle, I found a rock solid peace in my heart of hearts. And through that peace came a rest and even more faith.
Like the crippled man, when we have lost all strength, we must trust God. When his word exposes our weaknesses, we must have faith to step out and make ourselves vulnerable before him. To allow his word to make us "naked and open" before him. It can be a scary feeling. It can hurt tremendously. It becomes a labor of faith and trust. But there is a promise that we will find rest and even more amazing, that we can come before him boldly! Even in our weakness we can come to him and boldly ask for grace and mercy in our time of need!
And so, by faith, I step out like the cripple man and stretch my greatest weaknesses toward God. I choose to trust him in this storm and know that he will stand by my side protecting me and in the end, healing me. It will all be worth it to be made whole.
Please don't hesitate to let me know if you need prayer!
Friday, August 8
It has been a while
I am back! I know it has been a while since I last posted on my blog. Life has been crazy for me this summer. But I am back and hope to update my blog frequently this fall, so check in and find some encouragement when you need it!
I am going to ask you for prayer in the coming months. I recently volunteered myself to teach a wed night bible study at our church. I will be teaching my class in January. If this was a normal study I probably wouldn't be asking you to pray for me, but this is anything but an ordinary bible study. You see God birthed it in my spirit and I am writing it from my heart. It is something God has been speaking to me for years and is finally coming together. I know that over the next few months as I research, study and pray this bible study is going to rip my heart open and do a deep work in places I would probably rather leave untouched. You see the bible study is on "being made whole".
Years ago when I spent one of my summers in NYC working for Times Square Church God began to stir a cry in my heart to be "made whole". I was raised in a rather dysfunctional home with the typical sad story of divorce, alcoholism, abuse, remarriage, more abuse, and my share of rejection. The toll it took on my heart and spirit is like the toll it takes on anyone. It left me crippled. I spent so many years limping around feeling like a lame man in my relationships, like a bleeding woman with more than one issue draining my heart, and a blind man groping for hope in a dark world. So that summer in NYC (1998 I believe) God began to stir my heart with a cry to be made whole. That I wouldn't just be healed of the scars, but that my heart and soul would be made complete... whole. God also made a promise to me that he would do just that, heal me completely. So for years I have stood in faith that he would set me free and that one day (this side of heaven) I would be able to say with confidence that I was whole.
Several years ago as I continued down my own path of healing God began to speak to me about a bible study. This study would go through 9 healings where the phrase "made whole" is used. I began to study the first healing of the woman with the issue of blood and it changed my life. Unfortunately after I completed that first lesson the bible study got shelved. Then a few months ago God began to ask me to pull it out again and to begin working on it. I knew he wanted me to step up and ask my pastor if I could teach one of the wed night classes at our church. After a lot of wrestling with my low self esteem and more than my share of lies about what God really wanted, I volunteered myself to lead the study.
As I have begun to dig into the other healings in the study I am finding that my heart is being exposed to the light of God's word. Oh the depths that hide with in my own heart! Yet I am excited to see what weaknesses are lurking in my heart. To know what areas cripple and hinder me. I know that God doesn't reveal these things to tear us down. He exposes them to heal us and set us free. And quite frankly, I am tired of limping through my life with scars from my past and wounds from abuse affecting every area of my life. Especially my family. My husband doesn't deserve my past, my children don't deserve my past, and quite frankly I don't want it any more.
So pray for me. Pray as I press into His word and seek the truth that will set me free. As I study I will post my lessons for you to read as well. I hope that someone out there will need the truths as desperately as I do. Perhaps my journey of healing can be your journey as well. I would also love to hear from you. Your insight into the study might be a valuable part of my research. I can't do this alone!
So be patient with me as I wrestle through this study and post my findings. Pray for me. And by all means, let me know what you think!
I am going to ask you for prayer in the coming months. I recently volunteered myself to teach a wed night bible study at our church. I will be teaching my class in January. If this was a normal study I probably wouldn't be asking you to pray for me, but this is anything but an ordinary bible study. You see God birthed it in my spirit and I am writing it from my heart. It is something God has been speaking to me for years and is finally coming together. I know that over the next few months as I research, study and pray this bible study is going to rip my heart open and do a deep work in places I would probably rather leave untouched. You see the bible study is on "being made whole".
Years ago when I spent one of my summers in NYC working for Times Square Church God began to stir a cry in my heart to be "made whole". I was raised in a rather dysfunctional home with the typical sad story of divorce, alcoholism, abuse, remarriage, more abuse, and my share of rejection. The toll it took on my heart and spirit is like the toll it takes on anyone. It left me crippled. I spent so many years limping around feeling like a lame man in my relationships, like a bleeding woman with more than one issue draining my heart, and a blind man groping for hope in a dark world. So that summer in NYC (1998 I believe) God began to stir my heart with a cry to be made whole. That I wouldn't just be healed of the scars, but that my heart and soul would be made complete... whole. God also made a promise to me that he would do just that, heal me completely. So for years I have stood in faith that he would set me free and that one day (this side of heaven) I would be able to say with confidence that I was whole.
Several years ago as I continued down my own path of healing God began to speak to me about a bible study. This study would go through 9 healings where the phrase "made whole" is used. I began to study the first healing of the woman with the issue of blood and it changed my life. Unfortunately after I completed that first lesson the bible study got shelved. Then a few months ago God began to ask me to pull it out again and to begin working on it. I knew he wanted me to step up and ask my pastor if I could teach one of the wed night classes at our church. After a lot of wrestling with my low self esteem and more than my share of lies about what God really wanted, I volunteered myself to lead the study.
As I have begun to dig into the other healings in the study I am finding that my heart is being exposed to the light of God's word. Oh the depths that hide with in my own heart! Yet I am excited to see what weaknesses are lurking in my heart. To know what areas cripple and hinder me. I know that God doesn't reveal these things to tear us down. He exposes them to heal us and set us free. And quite frankly, I am tired of limping through my life with scars from my past and wounds from abuse affecting every area of my life. Especially my family. My husband doesn't deserve my past, my children don't deserve my past, and quite frankly I don't want it any more.
So pray for me. Pray as I press into His word and seek the truth that will set me free. As I study I will post my lessons for you to read as well. I hope that someone out there will need the truths as desperately as I do. Perhaps my journey of healing can be your journey as well. I would also love to hear from you. Your insight into the study might be a valuable part of my research. I can't do this alone!
So be patient with me as I wrestle through this study and post my findings. Pray for me. And by all means, let me know what you think!
Sunday, May 18
In His Strength
I am half laughing to myself as I sit to write this latest post. This blog is for me to be transparent and to encourage other mom's. Well, sometimes it isn't easy to be transparent. But I made a promise to myself and God that I would work at that more... so here goes.
This week was not the easiest for me. It wasn't the worst week ever, but it was one of "those" weeks. You know what I am talking about! It was the kind of week where you wake up in the morning and pray that you would love your children more. That you will be more patient, never raise your voice, and actually play with your children and enjoy it. And then the children wake up and, boom it is like all those prayers vanish and your nasty old self shows its ugly face and you wonder what in the world happened between 6 and 7 am! I think I have felt that way every day this week! Just worn down and frazzled and wondering what happened to my joy.
Today God reminded me it isn't about feelings. Sometimes we forget that feelings and faith are not intertwined. Oh if you ask me, I will always say faith is not about how one feels, but about who God is. But if you look deep in my heart? Well, faith is a whole lot easier if you feel the joy and hope and love! This week I felt anything but joyful! All the encouragement I had been feeling lately, the closeness of God's love, the depth of His word in my heart, it all seemed to melt away. I began to question things I had felt God was speaking to me. I began to doubt the direction I felt God leading me in my life. I had begun to forget that this is a new start for me, a new phase in life, a year of Jubilee so to speak.
Today God reminded me that it is all about Him, not about me. He is the God of all creation. He is the Almighty. He is ever faithful, full of mercy and grace and strength to help in my time of need. He is everlasting, holy, righteous and just. He is so much bigger than I give him credit for! God spoke a word to my heart today from Isaiah 40&41. I wanted to share it with you today.
"Hast thou not known? Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? There is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint... Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness... For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear Not; I will help thee... When the poor and needy see water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water."
God is eternal and almighty. He created the stars in the heavens and all that we see. He is so far above all we know and imagine. And he promises to give us strength. He says that we shouldn't fear. That he will revive us, fill us and keep us. That he has water for the thirsty, strength for the weary and hope for the hopeless. He is not a man that he should lie! If he promises it to us, then it is true and we can stand on it. Oh how I needed to hear that today!
This week I have been weary. I have been worn down and frustrated with my lack of joy and confidence in the Lord. I need to stop looking through the eyes of my feelings, and lift my head up! He is GOD. He is faithful when I am not. He is eternal and from everlasting to everlasting, who am I to doubt his word? So today I stand in faith that he will renew my strength, fill my wilderness with pools of water, and strengthen me in heart and spirit.
If you are weary in your walk, if you are tired and worn down, join me in lifting your eyes up to the eternal God who loves you and promises to be your strength.
God bless you this week. Let me know if you need prayer! And say a prayer for me as well. Thanks for your friendships.
This week was not the easiest for me. It wasn't the worst week ever, but it was one of "those" weeks. You know what I am talking about! It was the kind of week where you wake up in the morning and pray that you would love your children more. That you will be more patient, never raise your voice, and actually play with your children and enjoy it. And then the children wake up and, boom it is like all those prayers vanish and your nasty old self shows its ugly face and you wonder what in the world happened between 6 and 7 am! I think I have felt that way every day this week! Just worn down and frazzled and wondering what happened to my joy.
Today God reminded me it isn't about feelings. Sometimes we forget that feelings and faith are not intertwined. Oh if you ask me, I will always say faith is not about how one feels, but about who God is. But if you look deep in my heart? Well, faith is a whole lot easier if you feel the joy and hope and love! This week I felt anything but joyful! All the encouragement I had been feeling lately, the closeness of God's love, the depth of His word in my heart, it all seemed to melt away. I began to question things I had felt God was speaking to me. I began to doubt the direction I felt God leading me in my life. I had begun to forget that this is a new start for me, a new phase in life, a year of Jubilee so to speak.
Today God reminded me that it is all about Him, not about me. He is the God of all creation. He is the Almighty. He is ever faithful, full of mercy and grace and strength to help in my time of need. He is everlasting, holy, righteous and just. He is so much bigger than I give him credit for! God spoke a word to my heart today from Isaiah 40&41. I wanted to share it with you today.
"Hast thou not known? Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? There is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint... Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness... For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear Not; I will help thee... When the poor and needy see water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water."
God is eternal and almighty. He created the stars in the heavens and all that we see. He is so far above all we know and imagine. And he promises to give us strength. He says that we shouldn't fear. That he will revive us, fill us and keep us. That he has water for the thirsty, strength for the weary and hope for the hopeless. He is not a man that he should lie! If he promises it to us, then it is true and we can stand on it. Oh how I needed to hear that today!
This week I have been weary. I have been worn down and frustrated with my lack of joy and confidence in the Lord. I need to stop looking through the eyes of my feelings, and lift my head up! He is GOD. He is faithful when I am not. He is eternal and from everlasting to everlasting, who am I to doubt his word? So today I stand in faith that he will renew my strength, fill my wilderness with pools of water, and strengthen me in heart and spirit.
If you are weary in your walk, if you are tired and worn down, join me in lifting your eyes up to the eternal God who loves you and promises to be your strength.
God bless you this week. Let me know if you need prayer! And say a prayer for me as well. Thanks for your friendships.
Tuesday, May 6
This too shall pass
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Eccl 3:1
Last night my husband said something to me that so encouraged and yet saddened me. My oldest daughter had whacked her sister in the head with a baby doll "on accident". It, of course, ended up being a big ordeal (when isn't it?). My husband looked at me and said "You know, someday there will be a last time she does that". I didn't quite understand what he meant. He continued by explaining that someday there would be a last time that our girls hit each other. We won't recognize it at the time, but someday they will stop hitting each other. That is when it hit me. To everything there is a season.
I know we moms like to encourage each other with the thought that "this too shall pass", but do we really think about what that means? There will be a day when your toddler wets his pants for that last time. There will be a day when you get up in the middle of the night with a sick child for the last time. There will be a day when you face that last childish argument and heave that sigh of frustration for the last time. And though that thought brings us great hope in the midst of the battle, last night it also brought me a bit of sadness. Someday they will be all grown up and I won't be able to call back all these days I have with them. They will be half forgotten memories that I will have to cherish.
So remind yourself today that it might just be a "last day" for something. Maybe a moment that you won't mind seeing the last of, like my girls hitting each other. But maybe it will be a moment you will miss when it is gone. Like a last time your little child wants to climb in your lap and be held close instead of going to bed. Or the last time you read a story to your child. Or the last time your child runs to you with tears over a scraped knee. Those moments might stress us out now, but someday they will be just memories that we long for.
So enjoy your children today. And cherish that "last time" if you recognize it for what it is. Our children are a precious gift from God. A gift meant to bless us and fill our lives with joy and meaning. Embrace those difficult moments knowing that someday "this too shall pass".
May I remember my own words today!
Last night my husband said something to me that so encouraged and yet saddened me. My oldest daughter had whacked her sister in the head with a baby doll "on accident". It, of course, ended up being a big ordeal (when isn't it?). My husband looked at me and said "You know, someday there will be a last time she does that". I didn't quite understand what he meant. He continued by explaining that someday there would be a last time that our girls hit each other. We won't recognize it at the time, but someday they will stop hitting each other. That is when it hit me. To everything there is a season.
I know we moms like to encourage each other with the thought that "this too shall pass", but do we really think about what that means? There will be a day when your toddler wets his pants for that last time. There will be a day when you get up in the middle of the night with a sick child for the last time. There will be a day when you face that last childish argument and heave that sigh of frustration for the last time. And though that thought brings us great hope in the midst of the battle, last night it also brought me a bit of sadness. Someday they will be all grown up and I won't be able to call back all these days I have with them. They will be half forgotten memories that I will have to cherish.
So remind yourself today that it might just be a "last day" for something. Maybe a moment that you won't mind seeing the last of, like my girls hitting each other. But maybe it will be a moment you will miss when it is gone. Like a last time your little child wants to climb in your lap and be held close instead of going to bed. Or the last time you read a story to your child. Or the last time your child runs to you with tears over a scraped knee. Those moments might stress us out now, but someday they will be just memories that we long for.
So enjoy your children today. And cherish that "last time" if you recognize it for what it is. Our children are a precious gift from God. A gift meant to bless us and fill our lives with joy and meaning. Embrace those difficult moments knowing that someday "this too shall pass".
May I remember my own words today!
Saturday, May 3
One Mom to Another
I want to hear from you.
What are you struggling with?
What has God encouraged you with lately?
Do you have practical advise for other moms?
Are you in need of prayer?
Please feel free to leave a comment, story, thought, or prayer request!
Be encouraged you aren't alone!
What are you struggling with?
What has God encouraged you with lately?
Do you have practical advise for other moms?
Are you in need of prayer?
Please feel free to leave a comment, story, thought, or prayer request!
Be encouraged you aren't alone!
Wednesday, April 30
Hope
This morning I was reading in Hebrews 8-13. I usually avoid Hebrews because it is so confusing to me. But this morning these chapters were so encouraging for me. I just wanted to write down my thoughts for anyone who is in a trial right now and needs their faith strengthened.
In Hebrews there is a lengthy despcription of the old covenant under the law and a comparison to Jesus. You can get lost in all the refrences to the Old Testiment laws and rituals. But what struck me was just how futile it all was. The tabernacle was set up just so with all these instraments and sacrifices and offerings. Over and over the blood was shed, the offerings burnt, the blood was sprinkled, the prayers were made. And yet only once a year was one man (the high priest) allowed in the holy of holies, and he held his breath hoping he would live through the experience. There was such fear, so many things that had to be done right, so much depended on keeping the law.
Ever felt like that in your walk with God? That if you could just get it right. If you could just read enough of your bible, pray the right prayers, do the right things, then, maybe just maybe, you would feel the guilt of your sins lift. We don't like to admit that we live like this. I will admit that I tend to fall into the trap. Going to Bible School helped show me my walk of works and legalism, but it didn't irradicate the mindset completely! I still fall into the cycle of works at times.
Hebrews continues with a description of the perfect priest deciding he had had enough of a covenant that just wasn't working and decided to make a better covenant. (the failure of the first covenant was our fault entirely). So instead of offering sacrifices continually he just decided to give himself as the sacrifice to end all sacrifices. And the most beautiful part of it all? He didn't make that sacrifice so we could enter the holy of holies in a physical tabernacle. He made the sacrifice so we could go straight to the very throne of God. Heb 10:22 "let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, an dour bodies washed with pure water" Heb 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Here is the part that encouraged me today. In Heb 11 you have the faith chapter. A lengthy despcription starting in Gen 1:1 with the creation, and listing all these people in the old testiment who lived by faith hoping in a promise they couldn't see. Men and women who knew God was there and wanted to serve him, but were bound by the old covenant and the futile sacrifices that kept them at arms length from God. Yet they had such faith! They trusted, they believed, they followed, they even died for a God they could bearly know.
Hebrews continues in ch12 by encouraging us. We are surrounded by this cloud of witnesses who had so much faith, and yet never knew Jesus. A list of people too long to name who all stood in faith that God would make a way. If we have their example of faith, then where is our faith? We have the ultimate sacrifice, Jesus. He died to make a way into the very presence of a living God, not just into a small room with in the tabernacle that help the ark. He died and then rose and was seated on the throne so that he could fill us with his very spirit. God can now draw near to us and fill us and speak to us and lead us because of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. 12:1 "wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily besets us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us"
That hit me right in the heart. God has made a way for us to stand in faith that actually gets us to the very throne of God. He gave us a sacrifice once and for all not just to cleanse us from sin, but to open a door to His very heart. He is sitting there just waiting for us to run into his arms of love. In fact he is the very one who draws us to the place of seeking him in the first place.
I know what it is like to feel like your prayers hit the ceiling and fall flat at your feet. I know what it is like to be overwhelmed with depression and have no desire to reach beyond the dark cloud that sufficates you. I know what it is like to feel so much guilt and shame that you don't think God could ever possibly love you. I know what it is like to just want to give up.
But Hebrews continues in 12:12 "wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed"
I want to strengthen any who are weary today. God's love is everlasting. His desire is toward you. He longs to embrace you with forgiveness and grace and strength in your weakness. He wants to consume you with himself.
I am coming out of years of a dark battle that I felt would never end. In that battle I found God's love so pure and consuming that if it were not for his grace I would have been consumed. His mercies were new for me every morning and he was so very faithful (Lam 3). I hope you can find a sanctuary in your time of need today!
Let me know if you need any prayers!
In Hebrews there is a lengthy despcription of the old covenant under the law and a comparison to Jesus. You can get lost in all the refrences to the Old Testiment laws and rituals. But what struck me was just how futile it all was. The tabernacle was set up just so with all these instraments and sacrifices and offerings. Over and over the blood was shed, the offerings burnt, the blood was sprinkled, the prayers were made. And yet only once a year was one man (the high priest) allowed in the holy of holies, and he held his breath hoping he would live through the experience. There was such fear, so many things that had to be done right, so much depended on keeping the law.
Ever felt like that in your walk with God? That if you could just get it right. If you could just read enough of your bible, pray the right prayers, do the right things, then, maybe just maybe, you would feel the guilt of your sins lift. We don't like to admit that we live like this. I will admit that I tend to fall into the trap. Going to Bible School helped show me my walk of works and legalism, but it didn't irradicate the mindset completely! I still fall into the cycle of works at times.
Hebrews continues with a description of the perfect priest deciding he had had enough of a covenant that just wasn't working and decided to make a better covenant. (the failure of the first covenant was our fault entirely). So instead of offering sacrifices continually he just decided to give himself as the sacrifice to end all sacrifices. And the most beautiful part of it all? He didn't make that sacrifice so we could enter the holy of holies in a physical tabernacle. He made the sacrifice so we could go straight to the very throne of God. Heb 10:22 "let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, an dour bodies washed with pure water" Heb 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Here is the part that encouraged me today. In Heb 11 you have the faith chapter. A lengthy despcription starting in Gen 1:1 with the creation, and listing all these people in the old testiment who lived by faith hoping in a promise they couldn't see. Men and women who knew God was there and wanted to serve him, but were bound by the old covenant and the futile sacrifices that kept them at arms length from God. Yet they had such faith! They trusted, they believed, they followed, they even died for a God they could bearly know.
Hebrews continues in ch12 by encouraging us. We are surrounded by this cloud of witnesses who had so much faith, and yet never knew Jesus. A list of people too long to name who all stood in faith that God would make a way. If we have their example of faith, then where is our faith? We have the ultimate sacrifice, Jesus. He died to make a way into the very presence of a living God, not just into a small room with in the tabernacle that help the ark. He died and then rose and was seated on the throne so that he could fill us with his very spirit. God can now draw near to us and fill us and speak to us and lead us because of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. 12:1 "wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily besets us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us"
That hit me right in the heart. God has made a way for us to stand in faith that actually gets us to the very throne of God. He gave us a sacrifice once and for all not just to cleanse us from sin, but to open a door to His very heart. He is sitting there just waiting for us to run into his arms of love. In fact he is the very one who draws us to the place of seeking him in the first place.
I know what it is like to feel like your prayers hit the ceiling and fall flat at your feet. I know what it is like to be overwhelmed with depression and have no desire to reach beyond the dark cloud that sufficates you. I know what it is like to feel so much guilt and shame that you don't think God could ever possibly love you. I know what it is like to just want to give up.
But Hebrews continues in 12:12 "wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed"
I want to strengthen any who are weary today. God's love is everlasting. His desire is toward you. He longs to embrace you with forgiveness and grace and strength in your weakness. He wants to consume you with himself.
I am coming out of years of a dark battle that I felt would never end. In that battle I found God's love so pure and consuming that if it were not for his grace I would have been consumed. His mercies were new for me every morning and he was so very faithful (Lam 3). I hope you can find a sanctuary in your time of need today!
Let me know if you need any prayers!
Tuesday, April 29
Hiding Behind a Mask
Recently I have noticed just how much people hide behind masks. No one is willing to be vulnerable or open any more. I have decided to start this blog as a way to strip my own mask off. A way for other mom's to safely talk about their struggles and find the support they need to get through them.
A few months ago I was at a marriage seminar with my husband. It was at this seminar that I saw how healing it can be for someone to be transparent. The couple teaching the seminar have grown kids and have been married for years. The wife decided at the last minute to share her testimony and a struggle she fought with abuse in her own life. As she spoke of the abusive home she was raised in and how it began to effect her own parenting I couldn't help but cry. I so desperately needed to hear someone being honest about how hard being a parent can be and the battles we just don't see coming. Her transparency showed me it was time for me to start being more open and honest about my own struggles.
Throughout the time I have had three children, I have struggled with postpartum depression. After each of my children were born I faced 18 months of some of the darkest days of my life. The depression, frustration, anger, impatience and emotions I just couldn't control began to take over my home. It was really confusing the first two times I went through it and brought a lot of guilt and shame and fear into my heart. Who was this awful person I had become? But then when I was pregnant with my last child the emotional roller coaster was so obvious that I finally realized it was hormones and not just me.
Hearing the testimony at the marriage seminar about abuse also opened my eyes to the cancer abuse is in a persons life. Being raised in an abusive home isn't something you choose. You don't get to pick your parents or divorce or alcoholism or abuse. Those things are given to you by others and you have no control over them. The wonderful baton of abuse is passed to you w/o any choice of your own. Seeing that helped me to look more objectively at my anger and impatience and battle with my own words and thoughts.
I have come a long way in the last few years of parenting. I am learning to lay my anger down. To take deep breaths and walk away more often. To close my eyes and tell myself that I love my daughter and she doesn't deserve the words on the tip of my tongue and then to swallow them. And I am also learning to humble myself and apologize to my children when I do mess up and lose my temper with them. I want them to know that it isn't ok and that I am so very sorry when I fail them.
None of this has been easy, and none of it has been in my own strength. I have spent countless hours crying out to God to set me free. To help me fight this cancer of abuse that was passed on to me. To help me stand up against it and say "no more". My children are worth the battle I have to fight. The most amazing thing has happened in the midst of my battle with abuse and depression that I have faced. I have been given a knowledge of the depth of Love God has toward me.
On my darkest days God has shined a love into my heart that has blown me away. There was one weekend in particular when my depression got really bad, I was so overwhelmed and oppressed. My heart just kept crying out to God "how much longer?" I was so tired of the heaviness and the dark cloud that seemed to take over my heart. I was feeling so guilty for the impatience and anger was I dishing out to everyone. My poor husband has had to learn his own lessons in patience and compassion over the years! By the time Sunday rolled around I felt like giving up. Just digging a whole, climbing in and staying there forever.
We pulled up to church and all I kept thinking was "how in the world am I going to muster up a smile and friendly greeting for everyone today?" I guess I have done my own share of hiding behind the smiles in the last few years. Just once I would love to go up to someone and ask how they are doing and hear them say "you know what? I am having the worst day of my life, can you pray for me?" How refreshing would that be?
Our church always has a time of worship after the pastor preaches. It usually lasts 20-30 minutes and I find that that is when God speaks to my heart the most. On this particular day I shut my eyes and just started to sing my heart out. I wanted to give Jesus all the hurt, discouragement, anger, frustration and fear. The song "Amazed" by the Desperation Band started up.
The words are:
You dance over me, when I am unaware
You sing all around, though I cannot hear a sound
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
How deep, how wide, how great, is your love for me.
Such a simple song, but in that moment so very profound for me. Time stopped, I fell silent and just listened. I remembered a sermon I once heard about how God literally dances and sings over us (I think the verse is in Zeph). In that moment I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. Here I was at my lowest point, I was disgusted with my own heart and failings, frustrated with my battle with postpartum depression, and feeling so very unloved and unworthy. In that moment I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus loved me with an undying love, an everylasting love, a love with no beginning and no end. A love I couldn't earn and didn't deserve. And yet, a love that consumed me.
I have always known that you can't earn God's love. But it has been in the last year or so that I have found God truly revealing to me that he loves me despite me. I don't just know it now, I have been consumed by it. It has become a firm foundation on which I am now standing. The most amazing thing for me, is that I have only just begun to see His love. Like a tiny drop in an ocean. His love is too vast to fully understand until I stand face to face with Jesus and can know it for eternity.
I wanted to be honest about my struggles. That I am anything but the "perfect mom", but I serve a perfect God who loves me with an everlasting love.I hope someone is encouraged by my honesty today. Isn't it time we stop being afraid of what people will think of our weaknesses and just be honest with each other about how frail we all are? I hope you will take the chance to encourage someone with your own story today.
I would love it if you took a minute to post a comment about your struggles or how you have learned of God's love in a deeper way. Maybe you need prayer today and just want to know you aren't alone. If you don't hear it from anyone else today, know that you aren't alone. Jesus loves you with an all consuming love. God can be your strength and help in your time of need.
God bless you today!
Oh and you can listen to the song Amazed by clicking the link above. Take a minute to listen to it and realize the love God has for you today!
A few months ago I was at a marriage seminar with my husband. It was at this seminar that I saw how healing it can be for someone to be transparent. The couple teaching the seminar have grown kids and have been married for years. The wife decided at the last minute to share her testimony and a struggle she fought with abuse in her own life. As she spoke of the abusive home she was raised in and how it began to effect her own parenting I couldn't help but cry. I so desperately needed to hear someone being honest about how hard being a parent can be and the battles we just don't see coming. Her transparency showed me it was time for me to start being more open and honest about my own struggles.
Throughout the time I have had three children, I have struggled with postpartum depression. After each of my children were born I faced 18 months of some of the darkest days of my life. The depression, frustration, anger, impatience and emotions I just couldn't control began to take over my home. It was really confusing the first two times I went through it and brought a lot of guilt and shame and fear into my heart. Who was this awful person I had become? But then when I was pregnant with my last child the emotional roller coaster was so obvious that I finally realized it was hormones and not just me.
Hearing the testimony at the marriage seminar about abuse also opened my eyes to the cancer abuse is in a persons life. Being raised in an abusive home isn't something you choose. You don't get to pick your parents or divorce or alcoholism or abuse. Those things are given to you by others and you have no control over them. The wonderful baton of abuse is passed to you w/o any choice of your own. Seeing that helped me to look more objectively at my anger and impatience and battle with my own words and thoughts.
I have come a long way in the last few years of parenting. I am learning to lay my anger down. To take deep breaths and walk away more often. To close my eyes and tell myself that I love my daughter and she doesn't deserve the words on the tip of my tongue and then to swallow them. And I am also learning to humble myself and apologize to my children when I do mess up and lose my temper with them. I want them to know that it isn't ok and that I am so very sorry when I fail them.
None of this has been easy, and none of it has been in my own strength. I have spent countless hours crying out to God to set me free. To help me fight this cancer of abuse that was passed on to me. To help me stand up against it and say "no more". My children are worth the battle I have to fight. The most amazing thing has happened in the midst of my battle with abuse and depression that I have faced. I have been given a knowledge of the depth of Love God has toward me.
On my darkest days God has shined a love into my heart that has blown me away. There was one weekend in particular when my depression got really bad, I was so overwhelmed and oppressed. My heart just kept crying out to God "how much longer?" I was so tired of the heaviness and the dark cloud that seemed to take over my heart. I was feeling so guilty for the impatience and anger was I dishing out to everyone. My poor husband has had to learn his own lessons in patience and compassion over the years! By the time Sunday rolled around I felt like giving up. Just digging a whole, climbing in and staying there forever.
We pulled up to church and all I kept thinking was "how in the world am I going to muster up a smile and friendly greeting for everyone today?" I guess I have done my own share of hiding behind the smiles in the last few years. Just once I would love to go up to someone and ask how they are doing and hear them say "you know what? I am having the worst day of my life, can you pray for me?" How refreshing would that be?
Our church always has a time of worship after the pastor preaches. It usually lasts 20-30 minutes and I find that that is when God speaks to my heart the most. On this particular day I shut my eyes and just started to sing my heart out. I wanted to give Jesus all the hurt, discouragement, anger, frustration and fear. The song "Amazed" by the Desperation Band started up.
The words are:
You dance over me, when I am unaware
You sing all around, though I cannot hear a sound
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
How deep, how wide, how great, is your love for me.
Such a simple song, but in that moment so very profound for me. Time stopped, I fell silent and just listened. I remembered a sermon I once heard about how God literally dances and sings over us (I think the verse is in Zeph). In that moment I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. Here I was at my lowest point, I was disgusted with my own heart and failings, frustrated with my battle with postpartum depression, and feeling so very unloved and unworthy. In that moment I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus loved me with an undying love, an everylasting love, a love with no beginning and no end. A love I couldn't earn and didn't deserve. And yet, a love that consumed me.
I have always known that you can't earn God's love. But it has been in the last year or so that I have found God truly revealing to me that he loves me despite me. I don't just know it now, I have been consumed by it. It has become a firm foundation on which I am now standing. The most amazing thing for me, is that I have only just begun to see His love. Like a tiny drop in an ocean. His love is too vast to fully understand until I stand face to face with Jesus and can know it for eternity.
I wanted to be honest about my struggles. That I am anything but the "perfect mom", but I serve a perfect God who loves me with an everlasting love.I hope someone is encouraged by my honesty today. Isn't it time we stop being afraid of what people will think of our weaknesses and just be honest with each other about how frail we all are? I hope you will take the chance to encourage someone with your own story today.
I would love it if you took a minute to post a comment about your struggles or how you have learned of God's love in a deeper way. Maybe you need prayer today and just want to know you aren't alone. If you don't hear it from anyone else today, know that you aren't alone. Jesus loves you with an all consuming love. God can be your strength and help in your time of need.
God bless you today!
Oh and you can listen to the song Amazed by clicking the link above. Take a minute to listen to it and realize the love God has for you today!
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